Why Deese Will Be The End Of Me

http://fivethingsatonce.com/

One snack to rule them all, one snack to find them,
One snack to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

Along with her meals, Piper gets a little snack time during the day. I guess I should be judging snacks based on their nutritional value. But since I do all the dishes, instead I usually base each snack on how much clean-up it will take.  Some meals and snacks are easier to clean after than others. There is one snack, however, that is the bane of my existence. Piper calls them “Deese.” I, however, call them Devil-Pieces. Yes, it’s true. A snack can be truly malevolent.

The strategy was to confuse me by using different names. At first, they would have Piper call them “Piece,” but now they are simply “Deese.” I can see through their ruse. “Graduates- lil’ crunchies” is their real name, but don’t say that three times fast in a mirror or the Candyman will come and get you. Originally made by the Dark Lord Sauron during the Second Age, this snack was made in order to gain dominion over the free peoples of Middle-earth. There are only two things that can destroy Deese: the stomach of a three-year-old, or the fires of Mount Doom. So unless you plan on making the ultimate trek to Mordor, have a three-year-old on hand- or don’t buy Deese in the first place.

“…so y’all need to hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband cause they’re snackin’ with everybody out here.”

In any case, Deese mean clean-up city. Get a broom, get a mop, and about a million wet wipes. Then close your eyes and hope for the best. This is because Deese are covered with this particular little powder. Ostensibly, the powder represents whatever flavor that package was supposed to be. In reality, the powder is there to make you clean, to control you, to corrupt you…I can only imagine how they taste. Of course, after snack time Piper makes me pick her up. Then she gives me a big hug and shoves her Deese covered face next to mine. The smell is overpowering. It’s like eating a whole bag of Doritos at once, resulting in your hands and face being covered in that orange powdery-stuff. Deese are just like that, but for kids. Who thought this was a good idea? Who were the braintrust that came up with that?

http://fivethingsatonce.com/

Every snack we have goes by different names. Cheez-Its are called “Dit Dit Dits.”  There are these little gummy-like fruit treats that for some reason Piper calls “Carrots.” Toast is simply called “Tote.” Whatever you call it, every snack requires different levels of cleaning. I don’t even mind that I have to sweep the kitchen floor three or four times a day. That’s all part of the job. But Deese…this is not what I signed on for. It’s like we have to buy even more wet wipes just because of the Deese. Maybe the Graduates and the wet wipes people are in cahoots. Corporate synergy. You can just imagine the meeting of the minds:

Wet Wipes Guy: You know, we can sell more wipes if you just make the “lil’ crunchies” a little messier.

Crunchies Exec: I don’t really know if that’s something we should do. Is that legit?

Wet Wipes Guy: C’mon. Everybody’s doing it. No biggee. Kids love this stuff anyway. Just make them a little worse, and we can both benefit. Besides, it’s what Big Boss wants. You want your bonus this year, right?

Crunchies Exec: Well yeah, but-

Wet Wipes Guy: No more buts, except kids’ butts in seats, eating the crunchies your going to add more powder to. We’re on the same page, [leaning in] aren’t we?

What are your least favorite snacks for your kids, and why? And what are some healthier and better snack alternatives?

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18 thoughts on “Why Deese Will Be The End Of Me

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  1. I was glad when we graduated from those crack snacks. But then we moved onto the equally messy squirting all over your furniture and clean clothing of yogurt tubes. Followed by juice pouches which cannot be put together without dribbling on the floor. Current fav of our early elementary crowd: fruit cups that never open without spilling. The temptation of self sufficiency which really equals mess.

    But I remember eating atomic orange cheese balls out of the plantar’s container with sweet joy as a child. All good stuff.

  2. Healthiest is fruit and vegetables, which in the summer when I can get them fresh go quickly. On the subject of messiness. My 9y old is much better, 6y old is improving. 2y old … You know you are a SAHD if you have ever applied the 5 second rule to an entire box of cereal. Unhealthiness thing my kid ever made was a honey and corn pop sandwich. 2 pieces of bread buttered each side heavy with the honey and a carefully placed layer of corn pops.

    I agree with you on the least work for me angle. I have been working to have them make their own snacks and trying to steer them into health choices. Mixed results there but thats an on going battle either way.

  3. Hahaha, awesome! I finally got a minute to read your blog. Very funny!

    Kids are supposed to be messy, no? Healthy?! They’ll have the rest of their lives to do that. In all seriousness, being brought up with absolutely no available snacks other then fruit, and having no children of my own, I’m no use here. 🙂

  4. I’m laughing because it’s just so true. I totally love your take on it all. I must admit that I have never seen these snacks in Australia, but i’m certain we have the equivilant…. And in saying that, i’ve probably got some smooshed up the dining room wall as we blog….
    2Min Noddles are the killer for me. I find them everywhere. They stick to everything and with 5 kiddies munching at once I should just bring in the hose from outside.
    Why arn’t dining areas made completely waterproof and suitable for a daily hose down??? Not sure about the design elements but by gosh it would make life easier 🙂
    Thanks for the giggle,
    Jac @ Common Chaos Chronicle.

    1. Nice idea. I say homes should be designed with the mancave being completely soundproof, and the dining area made of rubber and able to be hosed down. I’m drawing up the plans now.

  5. My daughter LOVES those snacks as well, and like you, I am not a fan. They smell AWFUL!

    I try to give my daughter healthy snacks… she loves strawberries and bananas, so she gets those quite often. She also loves yogurt, as well as cheese and crackers. (She also likes to crumble crackers…)

    I think that a child could make a virtually mess-free meal or snack into one of the biggest messes ever. I once gave my daughter two mini Oreo Cakesters as a “treat”… big mistake. Never again. They crumble easier and no vacuum cleaner has suction strong enough to get each little crumb. :-/ Lesson learned!

  6. Very funny and very true. I can’t help you out in the clean snack department, my daughter has managed to turn the healthiest of snacks into a total mess. All because she likes it when it “snoooos.”

  7. If it’s not messy snacks, it’s annoying light-up toys that make horrible sounds (or songs that get stuck in your head). I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy. Off to put on my tin-foil hat.

  8. For us, Cheetos always made the worst mess. The cheesey grime got on their hands and then their hands got on everything else. Deece reminded me a bit of Cheetos. Right now we are working on our kids eating cereal out of bowl with a spoon instead of bringing the entire box to the couch. I don’t even dare look under our cushions.

  9. Thanks for the comment on my blog. Yours looks great and looks like an interesting perspective into a world very similar to mine. So, wow. I’d forgotten about those cheesy little boogers. Ooh, they’re messy, but even worse they’re so hard on the pocket book and have less nutrition than dog food. I remember the one time I brought them home for my first child. My husband gave me the most disappointed look. I felt such shame. It’s basically a small can of cheetos, right? I’m experimenting with making snacks for my girls. Like mini banana bread loafs that I can freeze and pull out occasionally. I cave a lot because, let’s face it, toddlers can often put grown men to shame with their fierce appetites. But, animal crackers, graham crackers, fruit like bananas, apples, blueberries– cheaper and less messy than those gerber graduates… Oh, and we use a rag. A wet rag. Wet it with warm water and wipe ’em down, every time. There’s nothing more WT than Cheetos face. 😉

    1. “But, animal crackers, graham crackers, fruit like bananas, apples, blueberries– cheaper and less messy than those gerber graduates…”

      Great ideas. Thanks, Angela.

  10. I’m totally laughing out loud at my desk at work right now! Thanks for this funny – and real – post. Whatever you do, do not introduce your daughter to Tofutti Cuties! Wet wipes are no match for these sticky, crumby sandwiches 🙂

  11. I didn’t know they were messy…because I may be the Mother who feeds them to her children in the grocery store cart while shopping.

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